Defending and Explaining in the Same Breath
The letter I wrote to my new bio sister was brief, simple and sincere. I knew I was the innocent outcome of a decision made by my mother and her (our) father. But every single NPE* letter I’ve read like this has the between-the-lines message that we are low-key apologizing for existing. It’s so subtle, it masks itself as just being considerate. But it’s there.
I made it clear that I didn’t want anything from them and apologized if my letter might be shocking or cause them pain. I felt I had to justify and explain why I needed to reveal the truth. When I step back and think about it, NPEs are in an impossible situation: either frame our existence with subtle apologies or else we come across as pushy and have an ulterior motive. None of my other siblings had to apologize for being born. But for NPEs, that feeling can always be lingering, even though some of us will swear it’s not.
We are the intruders in many scenarios. These families are going about their lives, and we come in and complicate it. For some NPEs, there are positive outcomes. But for many of us, there are not. Raising my hand here. We are the outliers.
It is straight-up exhausting to have to defend and explain our existence all in the same breath. Why do we have to justify that we deserve to know who we came from? I felt, and still feel, I have to be on the ready to defend my mother’s moral character. I have to protect my Dad who raised me. Many NPEs are carrying the burden of other people’s decisions.
It’s complicated to be an NPE because, for many of us, we are not only dealing with the trauma of this discovery, but we are also forced to justify and explain why we need to share it in order to heal.
*NPE is an acronym for “Not Parent Expected.” It is also used to describe a “Non-paternal event.”
This is my NPE story of discovering in 2015 that my Dad was not my biological Dad. If you’d like to follow along, I encourage you to start at my first post of the series HERE.
I’m learning from you – thank you. It’s been hard dealing with mom’s secret (she doesn’t know and I don’t believe i should tell her) and my own – I wasn’t wanted. Therapy has helped A LOT and affirming that I’m here for a reason and purpose, so I stick with that. Haven’t made contact with the other family … just letting it be for now.
Thank you for continuing to read my journey, Judy. I’ve heard part of your story but reading your comment I realize I don’t know the whole thing, so let’s plan to have dinner at RootsTech and talk more. You definitely are here for a reason and a purpose, and you have made such a difference in people’s lives — including mine. See you soon!
When I read your sentence “We are the intruders in many scenarios,” it felt like my heart would break. Sending a hug to you as you continue to navigate this very difficult path, dear Jenny.
I’m so sorry that you have to feel like the outlier and constantly feel the need to explain, defend, etc. You are the innocent here. I hope you can find peace with all this at some point. And I do hope that some connection can be made with your new family.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that you feel like an intuder and outlier. 🙁 Have you heard back? <3
Unfortunately, no. Maybe someday. Thanks for reading Diane 🙂
The idea that NPEs are subtly conditioned to apologize for existing is such a sharp, painful observation. I hope the next chapters of your journey are kinder to you.
Thank you Kirsten. I appreciate you reading!