What Happens Now?

This is a part of my on-going NPE story of discovering in 2015 that my Dad was not my biological Dad. If you’d like to follow along, I encourage you to start at my first post of the series HERE.

What happens when the proverbial dust has settled on an NPE* discovery?

The quick answer is that you live with it. We can all agree what was done to us was unfair. But unfortunately, it’s done. I don’t like that answer, but it is true. You don’t have to “accept” it, you can be angry about it, but you have to find a way to live with it for your own mental health.

The longer answer is that you spend your energy navigating the unexpected triggers that can pull you back in. You never know what that trigger will be to set things off. It’s an example of why, for many of us,  you never get complete relief from it all.  It’s been nine years for me, but it still happens. The other night, I had a dream about being in my bio father’s market. I was a child, and I was running up and down the aisles. I woke up with a feeling of sadness and anxiety. I don’t really understand why. I shook it off, but it stayed with me for the rest of my day, just under the surface. In my case, I’m sure these triggers are still happening because I don’t have closure with my new half-siblings. Sometimes I feel emotionally off balance, and it’s hard to pinpoint why. But a lot of it seems to lead back to being an NPE.

If you’ve read my previous chapters, you’ll remember that my new bio half-siblings have never responded to my letter from two years ago telling them I discovered I am their sister. The silence is deafening, but their message is loud and clear. I keep telling myself to just move the heck on.  But it’s hard to let go completely.

But back to triggers. I set myself up for one a month ago and have no one to blame but myself.

I made contact recently with a much older second cousin on my new paternal side. She’s been so great. She welcomed me warmly to the family and shared stories of my biological father, who was her godfather and whom she knew very well. I’ll write about her soon.  She told me that my bio sister shared my letter with her, which shocked me, but at least confirmed to me that she received it.  My bio-sister is choosing to believe none of it is true.  My bio brothers apparently don’t want to rock the boat with her, so they are just not looking at the situation at all. What can I do? There is nothing more I can do if they don’t believe me.

I decided not to put this new cousin in the middle of things and shifted focus to my bio father, Joe Callaghan,** and what other stories she could share with me about him. One day, while we were emailing back and forth, I let her know that I had sent away for Joe’s military service records, and they were chock full of information about his daily life in the Marines during WW II. She was excited for me and wanted to hear all about it.

Apparently, being a glutton for punishment and rejection, I said to her, “Do you think I should make a copy for them (my bio half sibs) and just mail it off to them? There’s stuff in here I’m sure they have never seen.”

She responded with, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, but it’s up to you, of course. They might feel you are getting too much into Joe’s personal life and feel offended you know something about him that they don’t.”

That last sentence triggered something in me, and I felt a rush of anger when I heard it.

I wasn’t angry with the cousin. I was angry about how little I seem to matter in this situation.

So, not only do I have to deal with this life-altering news , but I also have to deal with this new identity that apparantly no one really wants me to have. This discovery really messes up your head. The grief and pain of everything that goes along with this horrible thing can be crippling. But now my new siblings get to dictate what I can know about my own biological father? On top of that, they also just get to ignore everything I wrote in that letter and low-key suggest I’m lying about it? The fact that I share 25% of my DNA with my half-brother on Ancestry for all the world to see, isn’t enough evidence? My mother confirming the truth isn’t enough evidence? My FACE isn’t enough evidence?

I can understand that this rocked their world. I understand more than anyone that dealing with a shock like this is different for everyone and how they process it is also different for everyone. But they KNOW me. They knew my mother. They knew my whole family. I’m not someone who just came out of the woodwork and claimed to be their sister. But apparently, in their narrative, I am.

The cousin went on to assure me, it’s not me, it’s her. But the reality is, my bio siblings have the power. They are the gatekeepers to him. All three of them. They have the keys to the kingdom, and they know I can’t learn more about our father unless they open that door. It’s so frustrating sometimes.

I wouldn’t know almost anything about Joe if I wasn’t a genealogist. But research records and newspaper articles don’t replace personal stories of the man he was. Thankfully, I have a scant few memories.

Here’s the takeaway from this trigger. I’m not unworthy to learn personal things about the person who is 50% of the reason I exist.  They don’t want to let me in, and that’s certainly their choice. I know it’s hard when a parent falls off the pedestal you put them on. They have the luxery of putting their heads in the sand, but I have no choice but to deal with it every single day when I look in the mirror.

But I don’t have to apologize I exist, and I don’t have to pretend that their father isn’t the one who created me just because it’s hard for them to face. I just have to keep going forward.

*NPE is an acronym for “Not Parent Expected.” It is also used to describe a “Non-paternal event.”

**pseudonym

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This is my NPE story of discovering in 2015 that my Dad was not my biological Dad. If you’d like to follow along, I encourage you to start at my first post of the series HERE.