Saying it out loud

 

“I fully expect you to say no,” my fellow *NPE friend Bill Griffeth wrote to me in a Twitter message in the fall of 2018.

What he expected me to say no to was being interviewed about my NPE story. He knew what an introvert I was. But he knew from his own experience that talking about it helps, and he knew I was struggling greatly.  Bill was the catalyst for me to begin sharing my story publicly.

The BBC

In 2018, Journalist Lucy Ashe from the BBC was preparing an online article on the fallout of DNA testing for people who were discovering unexpected “surprises.” She was going to be interviewing Bill Griffeth at his New Jersey home. She asked him if he knew any other NPEs who might want to share their story. Bill suggested me.

My knee-jerk reaction to being interviewed was, “No way.” It was entirely out of character to put myself out there like that. But after talking to my husband about it, I decided to do it.  All of a sudden I wanted to shine a light on this experience.  I knew so many others were out there going through it.  Lucy interviewed me at my daughter’s apartment in New York. I wasn’t sure I could articulate to Lucy what this experience had done to me, but I wanted to try.  She was an incredible interviewer. When I got choked up a few times during the interview, she quietly gave me time to pull it together again and continue.

I understood, of course, that there was a chance that people I knew outside of my family would read it, but I was still surprised when a childhood friend and a distant relative saw it.  They contacted me immediately, expressing shock and sympathy. It felt weird that other people knew. But it also was a relief that I wasn’t hiding it anymore.

If you are interested, here is the interview. Read the BBC Interview HERE

Extreme Genes Podcast

Scott Fisher, the host of Extreme Genes, was at the Federation of Genealogical Society’s (FGS) Conference in Indiana when I met him in 2018. I attended Scott’s workshop about interviewing your relatives about their family stories. Later that day, as I talked to a mutual friend in the hallway, Scott came up to say hello. As our friend introduced us she said, “Oh, Scott, you need to have Jenny on your show. She has such a story to tell.”  I wasn’t completely “out” yet and told him I wasn’t sure if I should do it. He was fascinated to know the details and promised to take good care of me. He did. Scott is a seasoned professional, which I liked because I work in media production myself. His years in radio trained him to get to the heart of the story.  That was important to me because I’m not a great public speaker. I tend to babble. It took me until early 2019 when I felt ready to be on the podcast. I’m really gIad I did it.

I call this podcast my “light-bulb” moment. I couldn’t believe how many strangers reached out to me after this episode dropped. I started hearing story after story from other heartbroken NPEs who desperately needed to talk to someone who understood what they were going through. Our stories varied, of course, but our journeys and feelings were so much the same. It was a humbling moment for me to know that hearing my story was validating and healing for people I didn’t even know.

If you are interested, here is the episode. Listen to Extreme Genes podcast episode HERE.

Amy Johnson Crow Podcast

I didn’t plan to do any other podcasts or interviews, but later that year, in 2019, my friend Amy Johnson Crow posted a question about DNA in her Facebook Group. Honestly, I can’t remember exactly what the question was, but it triggered me to reply that I wish more people understood the “other side” of DNA testing and how traumatic it can be when you find out something you weren’t expecting.

Amy private messaged me that same day and asked, “Would you consider coming on my podcast and telling your story? No one is talking about stuff like this.”

My experience with Amy was very different than Scott’s. Amy is a genealogist, so she approached the topic entirely differently. Without me realizing it, she encouraged me to tell my story as if I was documenting it for myself and my family. Yes, I tended to babble on during it, but my great-grandchildren should know that trait about me, right? Amy interjected when she wanted me to clarify something, but otherwise, she let me tell my story and my feelings fully. It was incredibly satisfying and cathartic afterward to have been able to say everything I wanted to say.

Like Scott’s, Amy’s episode brought so many NPEs out of the dark and into the light for me. So many contacted me. I listened, validated them, commiserated with them, and passed along helpful resources and online support groups they could connect with if they chose to. People just wanted someone to acknowledge the pain. I knew that feeling so well.

If you are interested, here is the episode. Listen to Amy Johnson Crowe’s podcast episode HERE.

GenFriends YouTube show

Most recently, in 2023, my friend Cheri Hudson Passey reached out to me to be on her YouTube show, GenFriends, to share my NPE story. I was a regular viewer of her program and loved it, so I accepted immediately. I like the vibe of this show because it is not just one person interviewing you; it is a panel, so there is a lot of conversation. And they are all genealogists. And several were already friends of mine.  I knew that this experience would be like sitting down and chatting like old friends tend to do. It surprised me how emotional I felt telling my story, yet again, but I realized afterward when I watched it back that being genealogists, this hit them on a deep level. I could see it on their faces. They know what it is like to fall in love with your ancestors. They understood about identity and how it is linked to family experiences. They fully understood the loss I was feeling.

Watch GenFriends on YouTube HERE.

I wouldn’t have believed you if you had told me at the beginning of this journey that I would be sharing my story on so many platforms and in so many different ways. I’ve learned that sharing has eased the emotional burden and feelings of isolation, which has been healing.

It’s fascinating to see where seeking peace from trauma can lead you.

*NPE is an acronym for “Not Parent Expected.” It is also used to describe a “Non-paternal event.”

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This is my NPE story of discovering in 2015 that my Dad was not my biological Dad. If you’d like to follow along, I encourage you to start at my first post of the series HERE.